Hear Me Now
by literarylolita
Summary: As Clare attempts to move on with her life, Eli realizes why he is the way he is.  Post Drop the World Pt 2.  Some romance too, don't let the genres fool you.
1. Ready or Not

**A/N: Okay, so that finale made me cry and scream and a whole bunch of other irrational things. I outlined this fic earlier this week, so it's not something I threw together right after watching Drop the World Pt. 2. I did, however, slightly tweak aspects of the plot. This will be ten chapters. I hope you read, review, and enjoy as I try to fix the complete and total mess they made of Clare's character. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. If I did, I would have made the writers tell you what the sex of Kenna's spawn was.**

"_Well, I swear that's you and God, we've been down this road before. That the guilt's no good and only shames us more. And the truths that we all try to hide are so much clearer when it's not our live; we don't face the blame."-_Framing Hanley, "Hear Me Now"

Clare

The alarm goes off at precisely 6:45 a.m. Clare Edwards rolls over and hits it, but the usual grace attached to her pale limb is absent. Today is the first day back at Degrassi after Spring Break, and three words come to mind as consciousness takes hold.

_I'm not ready._

She gets out of bed, stretches both arms above her head in an effort to wake herself up. Sleep hangs over her eyelids like a gloomy cloud; she just wants to crawl back under the covers and sleep, even if it's for just one more day.

Going to school means facing English class with one vacant desk too many.

It means facing daily life _without him._

It means coming to terms with what she's done.

She's not ready.

_Eli_

"Well, Eli, are you ready to talk?" Dr. Ramsay turns toward the dark haired teenager in the corner. Group therapy is the psychiatrist's favorite type; it seems to be get his patients to open up more than any other form of therapy. He doesn't know if it is the comfort in knowing they aren't alone in their troubles or the pressure to reach some sort of breakthrough, but the technique nearly always proves effective.

The boy in question remains silent.

_No, he's not FUCKING ready to talk._

Of course he's not. He wasn't yesterday, the day before that, or the day before that. What makes this asshole of a shrink think he's ready NOW? _Whatever,_ Eli thinks. He simply shakes his head as he bends down to scratch around the top of his cast.

_Maybe he should have thought things through a little more before he crashed Morty._

No, forget that. He did it for _her._ He did everything for HER. It was always for someone else. First Julia, now…Clare.

He never does anything for himself. That's what he keeps repeating in his head again and again.

He's not READY to face the truth. He doesn't know there is one any different from the story he convinces himself verifiable.

Clare

"Hi, Clare!" Alli runs to her best friend and embraces her as if they hadn't spent the past nine days together. "Are you glad to be back?"

Clare fakes a smile and nods.

She's always lying lately. If not to Eli, then to her parents. If not to her parents, to Alli. If not to Alli, then herself.

_When did she turn into this fibbing shadow of a person she used to be?_

"Do you want me to walk you to class?" Alli gives Clare "the look," the look shared between best friends that says "you're not alone."

"I'm okay, Alli," Clare sighs.

"But what if you run into...?" Alli doesn't want to say Eli's name, afraid it might cause some sense of unbalance to come to Clare.

"He won't be here," Clare responds as the two reach her locker. She allows a quick glance to Eli's, thinking of how it's so close, just like they used to be. Briefly, her mind wonders how long it will be until he turns the combination again. If he'll be back at school at all this year. If he hates her.

"What? Why?" Alli snorts. "Couldn't handle your dumping him, so he switched schools?" At that, Clare slams her locker shut.

"No, Alli," she hisses. "Don't go there." Clare's eyes narrow. She knows ending things with her boyfriend was the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still _care._

Although she really, REALLY wishes she didn't. Maybe then she wouldn't feel so guilty.

_Eli_

"So, are you going to talk to me now that it's just us, Eli?" Dr. Ramsay peers over his glasses. This action, for some reason, pisses Eli off.

Everything pisses him off lately.

"Sure, Dr. Ramsay." Eli smirks. "How's the weather? I wouldn't know since the most I've seen of the outdoors for the past week is that shitty courtyard this lovely institution has."

"Eli-"

"Oh, and I'm sure the LOVELY décor of this place does wonders for depression patients. Plain, white walls and grey clothing just screams happiness, don't you think, Dr. Ramsay?"

"First of all, if being a smartass helps you deal with your problems, I'm not going to stop you and/or get offended." Dr. Ramsay shoots Eli a kind smile as he sits back in his chair. "And second of all, I've told you several times now: you can call me Mike."

Eli tenses up. Even after all these years, hearing that name makes his blood boil.

"I'd rather not, Sir," Eli grits through his teeth. "No offense to you, not REALLY anyway, but I sort of hate your name."

Dr. Ramsay tilts his head and leans forward. "Why is that?"

"Because-" Eli freezes. Ha, he had nearly been duped into talking about the "issues" everyone he loves claims he has. He doesn't have issues; he just loves too much. "Nice try, Dr. Ramsay."

"Eli," the doctor sighs, "why do you think you're here?"

"Here, as in 'this world'?" Eli snorts. "I'm an atheist, so I dunno. If you're talking philosophically rather than spiritually, that's a little 16th century, don't you think?"

Dr. Ramsay smiles. The kid before him is obviously troubled, but also clearly intelligent. "Here as in Everclear, Eli."

"Great name for a loony bin, by the way." Eli chuckles darkly. "It's a band name, you know. They produced a few decent hits in the nineties."

"I'm more of an 80s' guy myself."

"Yeah, my dad is too." Eli's look darkens at the thought of Bullfrog. "And he's also the reason I'm here. He had me committed."

"Yes, that's true," agrees Dr. Ramsay. "But why? Why do you think your father and mother felt the need to place you in our care?"

"Because they didn't want to deal with me anymore, Doc." Eli looks at him blankly. "I'm not stupid."

"No, Eli, you're not." Eli stares at his counselor. Did the shrink just agree with him? "But you're wrong. That's not why you're here."

"Oh, really?" Eli grabs his crutches and stands to pace (limp) around the office. "Then why don't you tell me? If you're so wise, Dr. Ramsay, TELL ME. Why in the FUCK am I here?" Eli fumes. Too many emotions run through him.

"I don't know, Eli." The older man shrugs. "But it's my job to find out."

Clare

"Clare, hey Clare!" Adam calls from down the hall. Clare stops outside of Ms. Dawes' door and turns to face her friend.

_Another thing she's not ready for._

"Hi, Adam," Clare speaks softly. "How was your break?"

"Really, THAT's what you want to talk about?" Adam raises an eyebrow.

"Of course. We haven't talked since last Friday. How are you?"

Adam winces. Clare knows she's coming off like a…well, a bit of a bitch. But she can't deal right now. Being around Adam is too much like being around Eli; isn't that what she wants to let go of? If so, why does she hurt so much without Eli's hand brushing hers? Why does the thought of not seeing him for God knows how long make her heart fall into her stomach?

"The bell's going to ring, Clare," Adam grunts and walks into the classroom. Clare follows suit and takes her usual seat, trying not to feel the emptiness of the one behind her and failing.

"Clare?" She turns to face Adam. "Look, I get that you apparently don't want to talk about…stuff…now, but are you okay?"

Clare smiles and prepares another lie. "Everything is alright Adam."

"Welcome back, class!" Ms. Dawes calls from the front of the room. "Before we get started, Clare, could you come to my desk for a moment?"

Clare tenses up and walks to her teacher's desk. She loves Ms. Dawes, but what will it take to get the general public to see that she just did not want to talk about ANYTHING right now? "Yes, Miss?"

"I've been made aware of Mr. Goldsworthy's situation," Ms. Dawes says in a hushed voice. "I was wondering if you would like me to assign you a new English partner."

Clare's blood turns cold. Despite everything, she honestly can't imagine anyone but Eli as her English partner. She can't imagine anyone but Eli as a LOT of things. Her heart aches at allowing his name to pass her mind too many times.

"No, Ms. Dawes. I don't want a new English partner."

And she doesn't.


	2. New Faces

**A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews! Here is chapter two. Please let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any other references alluded to in this story. **

"_Over and out, last call for sin. While everyone's lost, the battle is won, with all these things that I've done."-_The Killers, "All These Things That I've Done

Clare

Clare hurries into Degrassi. Yesterday, Simpson cornered her after the last bell rang and asked for a favor. Despite helping Alli tutor the Grade Tens in math, Clare still feels like she owes Simpson something due to her actions leading up to Vegas Night all those months ago. Of course she said yes, not even knowing what he would ask of her. Today, she will show a new student around the school; she isn't particularly thrilled about it. Despite it only being the second day back after break, she already has a ton of homework. Extra responsibilities are a burden she has no desire to bear.

"Hey…" says Alli as she falls into step beside Clare. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday."

Clare sighs. She just wants to forget about her fight with Alli. She can't look Adam in the eye and Eli is out of the picture. Even if Alli doesn't particularly know what she is talking about when it comes to Clare's life, they have been best friends for a long time. Besides that, Alli is really the only person Clare feels like she has anymore.

"It's fine, Alli. Let's just forget it, okay?" Clare turns to shoot her relieved-looking friend a smile. "I'll see you in Chemistry. I have to meet the new kid before the bell rings. I promised Simpson I'd show him around."

"Oooh, maybe he'll be cute!" Alli grins from ear to ear. Clare rolls her eyes and waves goodbye as she walks towards the principal's office.

"Clare, hi!" Simpson opens the door to his office before Clare can even knock. "Thanks again for doing this."

"Of course, Mr. Simpson."

"Our new student is a soccer star who just moved here from Ottawa! He says he knows you." Simpson gestures to the chair behind him where a tall, good-looking young man sits with a wide grin on his face.

"Hey Clare," calls the new boy with a wink and a wave. She gasps and her mouth falls open as she stares at her very first crush, a boy she hasn't seen in nearly six years.

"Jake," she breathes. "Hi."

_Eli_

Eli groans, looking over his "official" schedule once more. Right now is his "personal reflective time", a time designated for the patients at Everclear to think about their problems and journal, paint, listen to music, or some other "quiet activity." His counselor had suggested Eli take up journaling since he loved to write, but Eli pushed that idea aside. His writing had landed him in enough trouble lately.

_**This is your official schedule for your time at Everclear. Please adhere to it as strictly as possible. If you have any questions, please ask your nurse. Remember, we are here to heal!**_

** Best regards,**

** Nancy Jackson, Head of Staff**

Eli had gone over the introduction to his schedule a hundred times, but he still hates Nancy Jackson. He hates her and has yet to even meet her. _Hmm, that's probably not normal,_ he thinks. _Maybe my parents were on to something when they locked me up here._ He shakes the sarcastic thoughts off and marvels at the ridiculous, military-esque program once more.

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays

7:45-8:45 A.M: Rise and Wash

8:45-9:45 A.M: Breakfast and Medication

9:45-10:45 A.M: Counseling with Dr. Connor

10:45-11:30 A.M: Personal Reflective Time

11:30 A.M.-12:30 P.M: Physical Therapy

12:30-1:15 P.M: Lunch

1:15-2:45 P.M: Music Therapy

2:45-4:15 P.M: Group Therapy

4:15-5:30 P.M: Counseling with Dr. Ramsay

5:30-6:30 P.M: Dinner

6:30-9:00 P.M: Pre-approved Leisure Time

9:00-9:30 P.M: Snack and Medication

9:30-10:30 P.M: Meditation

10:30 P.M: Lights Out

Tuesdays and Thursdays

7:45-8:45 A.M: Rise and Wash

8:45-9:45 A.M: Breakfast and Medication

9:45-10:45 A.M: Art Therapy

10:45-11:30 A.M: Personal Reflective Time

11:30 A.M.-12:30 P.M: Group Therapy

12:30-1:15 P.M: Lunch

1:15-2:45 P.M: Outdoor Leisure Time

2:45-3:45 P.M: Counseling with Dr. Ramsay

3:45-5:30 P.M: Visiting Hours **(**_**If you have no visitors, you may use the phone or participate in pre-approved leisure activities at this time.)**_

5:30-6:30 P.M: Dinner

6:30-9:00 P.M: Pre-approved Leisure Time

9:00-9:30 P.M: Snack and Medication

9:30-10:30 P.M: Meditation

10:30 P.M: Lights Out

Saturdays

7:45-8:45 A.M: Rise and Wash

8:45-9:45 A.M: Breakfast and Medication

9:45-10:45 A.M: Group Therapy

10:45 A.M.-12:30 P.M: Sports Activity

12:30-1:15 P.M: Lunch

1:15-2:00 P.M: Personal Reflective Time

2:00-5:30 P.M: Visiting Hours **(**_**If you have no visitors, you may use the phone or participate in pre-approved leisure activities at this time. On Saturdays, group activities are conducted in the gymnasium and/or outdoors.)**_

5:30-6:30 P.M: Dinner

6:30-9:00 P.M: Pre-approved Leisure Time _**(We sometimes have events on Saturday evenings such as movie nights and Bingo.)**_

9:00-9:30 P.M: Snack and Medication

9:30-10:30 P.M: Meditation

10:30 P.M: Lights Out

Sundays

7:45-8:45 A.M: Rise and Wash

8:45-9:45 A.M: Breakfast and Medication

9:45-11:00 A.M: Optional Religious Services _**(If you choose not to participate, use this time for personal reflection or pre-approved leisure activities.)**_

11:00 A.M-12:30 P.M: Your choice of music, art, or outdoor therapy

12:30-1:15 P.M: Lunch

1:15-2:00 P.M: Group Therapy

2:00-4:30 P.M: Visiting Hours/Outdoor Leisure Time

4:30-5:30 P.M: Personal Reflective Time

5:30-6:30 P.M: Dinner

6:30-7:30 P.M: Group Activity

7:30-9:00 P.M: Pre-approved Leisure Time

9:00-9:30 P.M: Snack and Medication

9:30-10:30 P.M: Meditation

10:30 P.M: Lights Out

Needless to say, Eli isn't one who appreciates having all details of every second of each day planned out for him. He has a thing about control; it is why he hoards, after all. He doesn't need a shrink to tell him that.

The urge to vomit sweeps through Eli as he realizes just how screwed he is. In this place, control is out of his hands.

Clare

"Wow." Clare laughs and gives Jake a hug. "You're so…tall!"

Jake chuckles. "Well, boys tend to hit growth spurts when they hit puberty. It's great to see you, Clare. It's been too long."

"It has," she agrees. The two step into the hallway and wave goodbye to Principal Simpson. "When did you move back?" She blushes, feeling stupid. "Oh, obviously recently. Sorry."

"Ha, it's okay, Clare. Yeah, Dad and I left Ottawa a week ago." Jake fishes out a piece of paper from his back pocket and hands it to Clare. "Can you show me where my locker is?"

Clare takes the schedule and frowns. "Just you and your dad? Oh, no, are your parents getting divorced too?"

Jake stops walking and clears his throat. Clare turns around, confused. "Mom died four months ago, Clare."

Time seems to stop. Students part around them and the cacophony of a high school hallway mutes. "Oh, goodness," Clare flushes, "I'm so sorry. I had no...I didn't mean to…Jake, I'm sorry."

Jake shoots his old friend a half-smile. "It's okay," he shrugs, "you didn't know."

She steps toward him and places her arms around his waist. His arms immediately go around her shoulders, and Clare can't help but realize how much she's missed her old friend.

"For what it's worth, and I know the answer to that isn't much, I'm glad you're here." She pulls away and looks down.

He hesitates and then pulls her back into his arms. "Me too."

_This is nice,_ Clare thinks.

_Eli_

Eli doesn't mind group therapy; it's one of the few activities that allow him to think about something other than the problems that plague his life. Namely, the issues of OTHER people. Out-patients of Everclear join group therapy three times a week, and Eli enjoys seeing people from the "outside". A new patient by the name of Imogen Moreno is sharing.

"I harm myself," Imogen states. _Duh,_ thinks Eli, seeing her bandaged wrists. He knows it's insensitive to think this way but doesn't really care. After all, he doesn't know this girl. Although…something about her strikes a familiarity he can't quite put his finger on.

"A year and a half ago, my best friend Laura had a heart attack," continues Imogen. "She was only fifteen and she died." This catches Eli's attention; he looks at her. She has dark hair and an olive-complexion. Her eyes are wide and she reminds him of someone he just can't forget, not matter how hard he tries.

_Julia._

"Just like that, the closest person in my life was gone." Eli stares at this girl harshly. The whole situation felt a little surreal to him. "I started cutting six months ago, on the one-year anniversary of Laura's death. It sounds bizarre, I know, but the physical pain helps the emotional residue hurt less."

"Thank you for sharing Imogen." Dr. Ramsay looks around the room. "Daniel, would you like to share next?"

Eli's mind wanders, only half-listening as Daniel shares a story about his alcoholic stepfather. This girl, Imogen, lost someone close to her. It was so long ago, and she's still hurting.

He knows what that feels like. Despite it being two years-had it really been that long?-Eli still misses Julia. Maybe a part of him had lied to Clare when he said he wasn't over her, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love Clare too. He does. Despite how fucked up he might be, his heart is big. It has the power to love two people at once.

Eli isn't a complete moron. He knew the break-up was coming; that's why he did everything in his power to stop it. When Clare didn't show up at their bench, he felt his heart fall right into his stomach. His palms had sweat profusely and blood ran through his veins far too quickly. Panic set in and he lost control.

_I'd do anything to make things right with her,_ he thinks, then the memory of her Clare's at the hospital surfaces in his mind. His stomach twists and the urge to vomit appears.

"Eli?" Dr. Ramsay's voice snaps Eli out of his swamp of a brain. "Would you like to share today?"

Eli shakes his head. He enjoys listening to the problems of other people, but he's not about to share his own.

"Very well." Dr. Ramsay claps his hands. "That concludes our session for today. As always, you may talk amongst yourself for the last fifteen minutes of Group."

Eli remains seated and watches the in-patients socialize among the outsiders, flecks of color among a sea of gray. A particular fleck, red, walks his way.

"Hi," Imogen says. Eli nods his head in greeting. "I'm Imogen."

"Eli," he responds.

"Nice to meet you." She holds out her hand.

"Really?" Eli chuckles. "You're happy to meet someone who's been committed to a place like this?" He shakes her hand.

"Well, these are not the best circumstances, no, but that doesn't mean it's not nice to meet you." Imogen smirks.

_She looks like Julia when she does that._

"Anyway, I get the feeling you don't like to talk much," she says. "Why is that?"

Eli just shrugs.

"Well, if you ever DO want to talk, here's my number." Imogen pulls a black sharpie and a stack of post-its out of her purple purse.

_God, even her purse looks like that piece of shit Julia used to drag around,_ Eli thinks as Imogen scribbles her number down on the tiny yellow paper. She hands it to him and walks away with a tiny wave.

Eli pockets the post-it, thinking he'll never need it.

_Then again, maybe I will,_ he muses. With a slight grin, he leaves group for the next "activity" the staff has planned for him.

Clare

Clare is laughing, and this surprises her. Jake had asked her to show him where kids hang out after school, so they ended up at the Dot. He ordered a banana split and she went for a simple sundae. Jake had difficulties eating his treat, and the actions made Clare giggle.

"This is nice," says Jake.

"Yeah," Clare agrees.

And it is nice, hanging out with Jake. It's easy and there is no baggage to deal with.

At least, none of his.

Clare digs into her hot fudge and tries to focus on having fun and forgetting the many mistakes she has made.

She tries to forget Eli, and almost succeeds. Almost.


	3. Static Existence

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I'm sure you all know…stuff happens. Forgive me. I was going to wait until I had a few chapters written to post, but gave in and updated. Chapter four is nearly finished, though. This takes place two weeks after the last chapter.**

"_And maybe if I pretend that if it's out of sight, it's out of mind."-_Marianas Trench, "September"

_**Two weeks later…**_

Clare

"Jake, no!" A stream of high-pitched giggles erupts from Clare's chest. Jake twirls her around and around; the two are perched at the top of a jungle gym.

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to come to the park!" Jake laughs. "This is how I play!"

"By torturing me?" Clare gasps out between her fits of laughter.

"You're my plaything, Frogger." Jake smirks and tightens his grip on Clare.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" At her fierce tone, Jake stops spinning his friend. Clare regains her composure and adjusts to the absence of Jake's arms around her torso before speaking. "Sorry," she looks down. "You know I HATE that nickname."

"Awe, but it's cute! You REALLY loved those frogs!" Jake pulls Clare into a one-armed hug.

Clare blushes, thinking of her eight-year-old self. That summer at church camp, she scolded the kids who tried to capture the frogs while canoeing. "_You're teasing them! It's mean. STOP IT!" _Her shrill, commanding voice and fierce love for the amphibians earned her the nickname "Frogger," one Jake carried home with them from the summer, (much to Clare's dismay).

"Still," Clare says as she heads for the swings, "I'm not eight anymore."

"No, you certainly aren't." Jake winks and runs ahead of her to the swings. Clare thinks maybe she detected a hint of suggestion in his tone, but shakes the feeling off and hustles to catch up.

She perches on a swing and kicks off and closes her eyes. After a few pumps of her legs, she is flying. She's been sprinkled with pixie dust; Jake is not Jake, but Peter Pan-she is a child again-an eternal child. Off to Neverland she heads, where problems such as feuding parents and screwed up love interests are of no importance to her. She has zero cares in the world. For these few moments, she is innocent and happy.

"Hi, Clare!"

She is broken out of her reverie by the sound of a voice she had done her best to avoid. For nearly two weeks, she had succeeded.

Skidding her feet on the ground, she calls to him. "Hey, Adam." Her swing shakes with the after effects of a quick stop.

Adam nods towards Jake, balancing himself on his skateboard. "Hey, dude. I don't think we've met. I'm Adam."

Jake hops off his swing and jogs over to shake Adam's hand. "I'm Jake! Nice to meet you. I think we have Algebra together."

"Yeah, probably," Adam mumbles. "So, Clare, how do you two know each other?"

There is an accusatory aspect to Adam's tone. Of this, Clare is sure. Guilt courses through her veins, but she's not sure why it should. She's not dating Eli anymore. Not that she's dating Jake…

"Well, we used to take naps together," Jake answers for the quiet Clare.

"JAKE!" Clare yells, snapping out of her thoughts. "When we were toddlers, Adam." She shoots a laughing Jake a dirty look. "Jake went to my church while we were growing up." The look of shock on Adam's face wavers, but just slightly. "He's a good friend from my childhood."

"Oh," Adam supplies as an answer. "Cool, then. I haven't seen you much, Clare. I miss you."

Those are the words that make Clare realize exactly why she should feel guilty.

_Eli_

_She wouldn't let me help her. Then she wouldn't let me love her._

_My words can't describe how either of these things made me feel; no adjective is adequate enough._

_Yet attempting to describe this pain is supposed to help me._

"Fuck this," Eli mumbles as he closes his Evergreen Journal. Neither of his parents were coming for visiting hours this afternoon, so he isn't sure what to do with himself.

Writing used to be an escape for Eli; it now feels like an obligation.

He can't shake the sinking feeling that he is actually right about Evergreen: it is doing far more harm than good.

"Well, well, well, I must say, Goldsworthy…gray is TOTALLY your color."

Eli smirks. He knows that voice.

"Hey, Torres," he says, not bothering to turn around. Adam sits down on the other side of the couch Eli occupies.

"I'd slap you on the shoulder and say 'what's up, bro,' but CeCe told me you just got your neck brace off, so I'll refrain." Adam grins, and Eli's smirk morphs into a full-blown smile. "It's good to see you, man."

Eli nods. "You too, Machismo."

An awkward silence falls upon the best friends. "Look, I'm sorry I haven't visited sooner." Adam looks at his shoes.

Eli nods in understanding. If he had the energy to be pissed, sure, he might be. But he doesn't. "It's fine, Adam. This isn't exactly the greatest place to be." He waves his arms around the room.

"I miss you, man."

Eli just smiles. He's not about to admit he misses Adam too; he learned his lesson about sharing feelings with Clare. If he doesn't put them out there for everyone to see, they can't be hurt.

"I hear you aren't talking in therapy." Eli tenses up. That's really none of Adam's business.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Eli snaps.

"Do you want to be?" Adam retorts. Eli just looks away. "Of course you don't. Eli, if you don't start DEALING with what caused you to end up here…you're not going to get out anytime soon."

Eli allows that to sink in. He can't imagine another day in this place, let alone an indefinite amount of time. "Maybe I'll talk to Dr. Ramsay," Eli quietly concedes. "But not in group therapy. That shit is a joke, Adam. It's so ridiculous." Eli rolls his eyes. "Adam, I do want to change. I'll never get…" he stops. He nearly said 'get Clare back,' but no one needs to know that he ever plans on trying that. "I'll never get back to who I'm supposed to be."

"Who do you think that is?" Adam probes.

"Since when are YOU my shrink?" Eli asks with a smirk. Adam grins, and the two sit in a much more comfortable silence than the one that plagued them only moments before.

"So," Eli starts. "I'm probably a masochist for asking, but you know I have to…"

"I think she's fine," interrupts Adam. Anger colors his voice. "Probably more than fine, actually," he mumbles.

"What?" Eli asks. He wants Clare to be okay. He really does.

But a tiny, selfish part of him hopes she's hurting just a little bit. Maybe if she is, she misses him.

He really hopes she misses him.

"Eli…" Adam trails off, looking pained. "You should know something."

"What?" Eli asks, feeling his heart rate increase and droplets of sweat forming on his forehead.

"There's this guy." Eli pales at Adam's words. "He's a childhood friend. He just transferred to Degrassi; apparently he's been in Ottawa for the past few years."

"I see," Eli replies, his voice oddly emotionless.

"They've been spending a lot of time together."

"I see," Eli replies again.

"I feel like an idiot for telling you."

"Yeah, well."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Eli takes a deep breath. Apparently deep breaths help offset panic attacks. "Look, Adam, I'm really glad you came, but I want to call CeCe before the hours to do so are up."

"Oh, sure," Adam says, standing. Eli grabs his crutches and hoists himself in front of his best friend.

"I'd hug you, but," Eli waves one crutch.

"Haha, don't be such a GIRL, Eli," Adam winks. "Girlishness aside…I love you, man."

Eli lets out a rare, genuine laugh. "I love you too, Bro."

Adam leaves and Eli hobbles to the phone room. He has no intention of calling CeCe.

Instead, he dials Clare's number. He knows she won't answer; she's at her youth group right now.

"_Hi, you've reached Clare. I'm so sorry I missed your call! Please leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."_

He just wants to hear her voice, even if the right to do so isn't his anymore.


	4. Forward Motion

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! Important little note: in this story, Jake is the same age as Clare. I know he's supposed to be a Junior in Season 11, but it just works better for me if he's a sophomore. Please enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**This chapter is dedicated to my Bestie Floorplanhobo, because I listened to her favorite band while writing it. ;)**

"_Jealous orchard, the sky is falling off the ceiling while I'm tucking fibs into a cookie jar."_-Panic! At The Disco, "She's a Handsome Woman"

Clare

"Ugh," Clare mutters, hoisting her heavy backpack over one shoulder. "I'm really beginning to rethink this gifted program."

"I'm just saying, Katie, _The Goon_ is the best comic to ever grace us mere mortals with its awesomeness."

Clare jumps a little at Adam's voice. She turns to see him walking down the hall, a pretty girl by his side giggling at his arguments. It's been two days since their confrontation at the park, and Clare's heart is weighed down by both guilt and general melancholy.

"No, Adam…face it, anything the Marvel Universe has ever put out trumps your precious _Goon_ by at least a million." Again, the pretty girl giggles.

As if they have a mind of their own, Clare's feet hurry to catch up with Adam and his friend. Her mouth, without permission from the mind it serves, calls out. "Adam! Hey, Adam, wait up!"

Adam stops and turns around with a raised eyebrow. "Wow, Clare Edwards is going out of her way to speak to me. Is it my birthday?"

"Adam…" Clare trails off.

"Um, I'm just going to…go over there now." Katie motions towards a locker and flashes a smile at Adam, warmth filling her eyes. "I'll see you later."

"Later, Kater!" Adam's grin reaches his eyes.

"Adam, can we talk?" Clare asks, exasperated.

"We have English." Kids swarm around the two friends (if one could call them that these days).

"Let's skip it."

"Are you serious?" Adam's voice rings with skepticism.

"It wouldn't be the first time…" Clare blushes and looks toward the door. "Please, Adam?"

He sighs, defeated. "Well, since you said 'please'…"

Clare gives a half-hearted smile and the two quickly leave, narrowly dodging a security guard.

"Where do you suppose we go?" Adam asks once they reach the freedom of the parking lot.

"My parents aren't home. I kind of just want to skip the rest of the day. My house?"

Adam tenses, but nods, and they begin the trek to Clare's home.

"So, tell me about Katie," Clare starts. "You two seemed quite chummy." She smiles, hoping to avoid what she needs to say and ask for a little while longer.

Adam knows Clare enough to be aware of her deflection, but he's too excited about the girl who's entered his life to care. "Well, she's in the LGBT club." At Clare's look of surprise, Adam goes on. "She's straight."

"Oh. Well, that's good."

"Yeah, well…" Adam smiles, "Katie's parents are both women. She has two moms, she's a part of the LGBT community in a non-traditional way, but she's just…she's great." Adam can't stop smiling at the thought of his new friend. "Clare, I think she might really like me." A rose hue colors his face. "I would have told you about her before, but…"

"Yeah, I'm sorry I haven't really been around lately," Clare whispers. "I…I just can't…"

"I'm not Eli, Clare," Adam interrupts.

Clare cringes at his name. It still means so much to her; what, she's not sure. "I know." They've reached her townhouse. Clare digs out her key from her oversized purse. The two enter her home, and she drops her backpack with a thud.

"That sounds heavy," Adam notes.

Clare winces. "Yeah, that's kind of why I wanted to skip for the rest of the afternoon. I have too much homework. Do you want something to drink? I'm getting a coke." She heads into the kitchen.

"Coke sounds good," notes Adam, following her. Clare doles out the beverages and hops onto her counter. Adam leans against it and looks at her pointedly. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

Clare takes a sip of her drink. "Adam, I just…I haven't heard anything about Eli since the day after the dance. Bullfrog texted me to let me know they were commiting him. I'm assuming you've talked to him."

Adam gives a terse nod. "I have."

"I just…I have to know: how is he?"

Adam slams his drink down. "Do you really _care,_ Clare? I mean you dumped him while he was in the _hospital_ and don't think I didn't see you at the dance up until the moment it ended, having what appeared to be the time of your life."

Clare looks down, ashamed. "Adam," her voice is adamant, "I HAD to break up with him. He was manipulating me. I just want to know how he is! Of course I care."

"Yeah, well Clare, I know you're known as some kind of 'saint' at Degrassi, but what you did to him was cruel." Adam's look softens. "I understand why you did what you did, I just hate the way you did it. Besides, don't you have a NEW boyfriend to occupy your time? Shouldn't you care more about him than your ex?"

"What?" Clare's jaw drops. Is Adam talking about Jake? They're just friends. Right? "Jake isn't my boyfriend, Adam!"

"Whatever. I'm gonna go back to school now." He heads for the door.

"Adam, wait!" Clare rushes to stop him from leaving. "You didn't tell me how he's doing."

Adam exits, but not before tossing a "you don't deserve to know" over his shoulder.

Clare sinks to the floor, tears streaming down her face. _"I'm sorry," _she thinks. For what, she isn't sure, but she has a feeling it's for more than one thing.

_Eli_

"Are you going to talk to me today, Eli?" Dr. Ramsay shrugs his sweater off. It's unseasonably warm for Canada in May.

"Actually…yeah," confesses Eli.

Dr. Ramsay raises an eyebrow. "About you?" He's managed to get Eli to converse with him during therapy sessions, but not about anything meaningful. They usually chat about music and cars. Once, Eli almost talked about Morty, but backed down.

"Yeah," Eli concedes. "About me."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I'm not sure."

"Do you want me to ask questions, like before?"

"Okay. But I get the right to veto them for another question, okay?" Eli smirks.

Dr. Ramsay's smile is genuine. At least he's getting somewhere. "Of course." He taps his chin thoughtfully, but not in a way that is staged. "Do you want to talk about your childhood?"

"Maybe. What do you want to know?"

"Were your parents kind to you?"

"Always," admits Eli. "They were weird, sure. They still are. But I never doubted they loved me or anything."

"That's good." Dr. Ramsay writes on his bright yellow legal pad. "How did you get along in school?"

Eli tenses up. He was always bullied as a kid. "I'll tell you why I hate your name," he blurts out.

Dr. Ramsay raises his eyebrows. "Okay. Go on."

"When I was nine, there was a kid named Mike. He beat me up. Often." Eli reaches down to scratch around the top of his cast. _Damn, that's getting irritating._

"Is that all?" Dr. Ramsay continues to scribble notes.

"I…I don't want to talk about him anymore," Eli admits.

"Okay," Dr. Ramsay smiles. It's a start. "Why don't you tell me how you're feeling."

"Right now? Hungry." Eli's stomach gives a growl to justify this statement.

"No, I mean in general. Say, for the past year. You're a writer. If you had to pick three adjectives to describe how you've felt the most for the past year, what would they be?"

Eli thinks. "Angry," he admits immediately. Angry at his parents for putting him here, angry at Fitz for being an asshole, angry at himself for fucking everything up, angry at Julia for things that aren't her fault.

"Okay, what else?"

"Heartbroken," he whispers, nearly inaudible. A blush colors his face; he's a man. Men aren't supposed to feel 'heartbroken'. But that's what he is. He's heartbroken over Clare; he's heartbroken that he can't forget Julia.

"Care to elaborate on that one?"

"Not today."

"Fair enough. One more."

Eli scratches his cast again, thinking hard. If he's honest with himself, up until a month or two ago…he felt something damn near like joy. He allows himself to think of Clare: of the way her eyes slightly crinkled when she grinned. Of her silky curls that felt soft as he ran his fingertips through the strands. Of her lips that always looked so pink, but nearly red after he had his way with them. She made him lighter; he'd admitted she saved him from himself time and time again. She was just…_good, _even if she wasn't his anymore. "Happy," he concedes, a twinkle in his eye.

For all the fucked up things in his life, Clare was never one of them.

Clare

Clare skims through her copy of _The Hunger Games_. She's read it and its sequels twice, but escaping into a frightening dystopian world is just what she needs right now. It puts her problems into perspective. After Adam left, she changed out of her uniform and into a new green sundress with a sunflower pattern. Her parents don't think the air conditioning is necessary yet, it's only May, but the 95 degree weather makes Clare disagree. She's perched on her sofa and wiping beads of sweat off her forehead when the doorbell rings. After dog-earing her page, she gets up to answer the door.

"Jake," she says, surprised to see her friend.

"Hey," he says. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," Clare responds, opening the door wider. She glances at her watch; it's a little after three. School just got out.

Jake sits in the spot Clare just vacated. "You disappeared this afternoon. I wanted to see if you were okay." He looks her up and down, taking in her dress-clad body.

Clare laughs. "I'm fine. I just needed to get away." She sits next to him. "You could have called."

"I know," Jake admits. "But…I wanted to see you." He blushes. His coloring is the same as Clare's; he can't hide his feelings any better than she.

Clare gulps. This is Jake. Jake, the boy she's literally known her entire life. Jake, the boy who walked back into her life when she needed a friend the most. Jake, who had no idea what a mess she's been made by Eli. Jake, who knew nothing ABOUT Eli.

"Why?" she whispers as Jake scoots closer to her. Could Adam have been onto something? "Why did you want to see me?"

"I think you know," Jake whispers back. He brushes her sweaty bangs behind her ear and touches his lips to hers.

Clare softly returns his kiss, surprising even herself. _Is she ready for this?_ His lips are soft like hers. The kiss is _nice._ Pleasant. Enjoyable, even. He gently pulls away before trying to take the kiss any further.

"I've wanted to do that since I saw you in Simpson's office," Jake breathes, his hand still on Clare's face.

Clare smiles. "Really?"

Jake grins. "Yes, really. I kind of want to take you on dates-real ones, not just sundaes at The Dot-and hold your hand at school and call you my girlfriend."

Clare's smile widens. This might just be what she needs. A nice, normal boyfriend. One without any baggage, one who doesn't write disturbing-albeit passionate-stories. One who knows her well enough to not make fun of her when she wants to go to a school dance. Someone with a big heart. "I'd like that, too."

Jake's grin grows exponentially and leans in for another kiss. Clare returns the kiss, and while it's nice, it doesn't send shivers down her spine. It doesn't set her soul on fire.

_Good. If there is no fire, she won't be left with nothing but ashes of what once was. _


End file.
